I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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