why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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