i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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