you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
