omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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