I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
