Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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