you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
