Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How does one acquire holy water?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I am mentally ready for anal.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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