Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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