In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
