I'm jealous of your bromance
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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