Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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