Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
