drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize