About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
