its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You pole danced in your parka.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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