Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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