It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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