I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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