Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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