She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
