I'm so fucking centered right now
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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