So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
