My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
