Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
