He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
