went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I wish I only lived at night.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
