She is in my trunk
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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