So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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