i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
