matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
