I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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