I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
