Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
True strength comes from lack of pants
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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