i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
