Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
