If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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