I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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