I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
