Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
