take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I need a burrito and a hug.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
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