i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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