My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
