I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
