My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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