wrigley field is MILF paradise
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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