evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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