Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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