I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
