How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
