I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
