You're completely useless in the revolution.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
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I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
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We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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