If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
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You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
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I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
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