Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
