I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
