saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Four minutes until I can fart!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
