Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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